Memory Log
The painkillers are working, but I’m not quite sleepy enough yet. I decided I wanted to write down and share my best memories over the next few days. I want a log here to prove that I do have happy memories. Moments that made my life worth living.
Log 1:
The earliest happy memory I can recall was when I was four. My Dad took us all to the MMR Easter thing. I remember riding this train thing, I guess it was a modified tractor. I remember spending the whole day with my Dad. It was after that day that I realized how often my parents were away working. My Dad has always been my favorite person in the world. The amount of respect and admiration I have for my father is unparallelled. He’s truly the most astounding human being I’ve ever encountered. If there’s anyone I love truly, it’s my father. I wish I could have turned out like him. My Mom is the luckiest woman on the planet, because if every male was like my father we’d live in utopia. I love my Dad. Forever.
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When I was a kid, I thought about things Kid’s shouldn’t think about. Until I was almost 11, I’d sleep with my grandma, cause I was scared of the dark. I remember one night, I had gone in there to sleep, and I couldn’t. I remember leaning against her bedroom wall thinking about dying. I was so terrified of the idea, and for the first time it dawned on me that my Grandma was an old woman, and if death came for me, she couldn’t stop it. Then, I feared for her life. She woke up, cause I was sobbing. She scratched my back and made me feel better. She made me feel safe and comfortable. She’d tell me stories about my Uncle Brian and it would put me to sleep. My Grandma knew exactly what to do to calm my mind. She was really good to me as a kid. I owe her a lot for it.
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Elementary was terrible for me. I got bullied a lot, and I grew to be cold and defensive and hateful towards everyone else. I lost my first real friend. I was overweight and Mason told me he’d help me lose weight on the playground, every day. The very next day at lunch, he was gone. His family had just suddenly moved. I got my first blue card that day(which is the worst conduct grade) because I was crying and left my classroom without permission. But, when I got to Jr. High, I met Tyler. Tyler had always been one of the ‘cool kids’, insanely popular, a chick magnet. Early on, sitting in my third hour computer science class, he randomly struck up a conversation with me. From that moment on, he and I were best friends. When the popular kids would pick on me, Tyler would risk his status, telling them to leave me alone, I was with him. Tyler saved my school experience, and helped me develop socially into who I am. Even though we’re not as close tonight, Tyler holds an infinite number of thanks from me. He made it bearable back then. He was a true friend, someone I desperately needed.
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I was so angry. When I had to leave Pearl River, because my parents wanted us to live with them in Houma. I had finally made friends and they were taking them away. For the first two weeks of 8th grade I went home and cried in my room. I hated it. One day though, Olivia Bourg came up to me and told me to join her, Connor, James, and others. She pulled me up, and made me part of the group. Because of her, I made the best friends I could have ever asked for. Because of her, I was able to let myself adjust and be content here. I had so many feelings for Olivia. Respect, admiration, and for awhile I thought I might have loved her. I mean, I did. Meh, you get it. She allowed me to not become one of those kid’s who sat in the corner all through high school. If anyone ever happens to meet her one day down the line, tell her I will always appreciate what she did for me.
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The first real relationship I ever experience had such humble beginnings.
Megan Alyssa Chauvin. I remember the first time I ever actually paid attention to the things she said. When we sat in the cafeteria at Houma Jr. High with Kristen Bonette. I remember sitting there, watching her. She always seemed so sad. Quiet, softspoken. One of those people who had a very kind and sweet front, but when you dug deeper you could feel the sadness. She intrigued me immediately after that day at lunch when she spoke about her Dad. As it turned out, we had a class together the following semester. Ms.Grisham’s writing comp. She caught me staring at her a number of times. For the first time, I actually looked at a girl and took in everything about her. I thought she had one of the softest faces, a sweetness I wanted to learn more about. I did too. I asked her out, March 6th, 2009. She said yes, and I was literally shaking. I couldn’t believe someone with her level of attractiveness would ever have said yes to a guy like me. I suppose today, she’d tell you she shouldn’t have…but that’s not the point of this.
I remember so many things. The day her Mom caught us in her backyard, the day we stood in her kitchen, and for the first time in my life I thought I’d found my future. I remember, my favorite memory was laying in my living room, my head in her lap. We sat there all night, her playing with my hair. I told her all the things that bothered me, that made me said, made me happy. The first time in my life I’d opened up to someone and told them everything. It was blissful, and I don’t think I’ve ever done that since. Not like that.
I owe her a lot. I could write about her and I’s memories for hours. Megan gave me a lot of good memories. Even though many of them are overshadowed by my terrible choices and pathetic nature, she still provided me with two years of happiness. I owe her for that, something I never could repay. I will always be humble for those nights. I still do miss how our relationship was in the beginning, before it became sexualized. When we were teenagers in love. Those are the days I miss. Those are the days I’ll always be thankful for. So, thank you, May.
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Tara Hebert. A name that resonates in my mind.
Tara was my best friend. I remember I went over to her house almost every day for a long time. We’d sit in her kitchen and talk about all sorts of things. I remember how awesome I thought her scrapbook was from her trip to Europe. Tara was always someone I had an odd respect for. She was passionate, self-driven. She’s someone who’s going to be successful in the end, even if she hits a hundred roadblocks in her life. That’s the kind of person she is. She doesn’t give up. She reminds me of my Dad in that way. Tara and I’s past is a prime example of me overstepping my boundaries as a person. I destroyed one of the best friendships I ever had in my life. That’s something that still haunts me in my sleep to this day. That’s one of those things you can’t get back in life. She brought me a lot of peace of mind. When I was overwhelmed, I’d go over there and just speak. She would not hesitate to tell me how things were, straight-up. I appreciated that a lot, because that’s all I wanted. She filled a void that had been in my life since Tyler and I were separated. She gave me a safe haven for my thoughts, and even today I sometimes take refuge, recalling how it felt to know my mind could escape for a few hours every day. Thank you so much, kid.
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The Dallas Trip.
The Dallas Trip…. quite easily the best memory I have in my life. My best friends, people I love all with me to experience one of the only things that have ever brought me happiness in life. Watching my Dallas Stars play. The drive to Dallas was a trip in on it’s own. We stopped in Lufkin to spend time with my Aunt Martha and Uncle Ralph, and the picture that is my Tumblr picture… a picture that will live in infamy, was taken by Devon Cenac. The drive into Dallas was hell. Rain, dark, and Ross driving at 100mph in a construction zone. Somehow, we made it to the hotel alive. Jason got to meet his gal’ finally. I ended up staying up all night with Devon and Tyler that night. That night was the night Devon and I really began to bond.
The whole trip was just… amazing. I remember siting in our seats, not hearing Ralph and Razor thinking “Oh God, my friends are going to hate this…” and then suddenly, hearing them all start cheering when Dallas scored! I was stunned, they all..minus maybe Jason, really got into it. It was amazing. Even though Dallas lost to the Wings, the game was exactly like I hoped. I’m kind of sad, I probably won’t get to go to another game. That experience was bliss, and I thank all of my friends for having made it what it was.
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Okay. Enough for tonight, it’s making my stomach hurt again. More tomorrow, maybe.
