I truly believe, that some people’s fates are scripted. I think that there are some times where, no matter how hard you try to escape the truth, it will always catch you. I think I’m a good example of that. I live in a world where, I really don’t fit in anywhere. The chances I’ve had to be happy, and take advantage of the things I wanted, I’ve always ruined them. Things I’d longed for my entire life, and somehow I find the will to destroy them, and then wonder how I let it happen when it’s over.
I believe in Karma. I believe that we all effect our lives by the things we do. The people we hurt, and the people will help.
I think, I messed up big. Then, when I was given my opportunities to repent, I gave them away. So, here I am today. It’s 4:55am and I could tell exactly how the next few weeks, or maybe months will play out. Truthfully though, I think my heart has always desired this story.
There are some burdens no person can release. Some memories just don’t go away, no matter how hard you try. They follow you, and even if you give your life away for the good, they don’t just vanish. I think they’ve laid heavy in my heart for too long. I think that is why my body has ceased to fight. The moments of happiness over the last few years, I’ve clung to desperately. Sometimes, too desperately. Perhaps I was hoping I could outrun my fate. Maybe I thought I could keep it at bay by being happy.
But when when you go to sleep at night, and you lay in bed and feel the memories creep up in your head, and all you can do is scream… you eventually realize that you can’t outrun those demons. No matter who you have, or what you do. Your past transgressions follow you, until they grab you by your ankles and pulling you back into reality.
That is where I am now. I’m destroying myself. I have spoken out against the very thing I am now doing for years. At my core, I still believe in these things. However, I was naive before. I am weak, just as those who do what I am doing are. There are weak people…but there are also those who simply can’t hide from their pasts.I can see now, how nice it can be. When you’re happy, and you go about day-to-day life… you feel stressed. “What about this? What about that?”
Like with Darianne. Daily stress, wondering when it would unravel. Letting it eat my alive knowing the truth. That happiness that I tried clinging to, was caught and yanked away, and I watched it happen. With Devon, knowing she was leaving, with Megan, knowing I had lost my will along the way. All of it.
But now, when you know how it’s going to be. When the future is clear, and you understand why. It’s easier ya’ know? You don’t have to worry about relationships, or what’s going to happen in the future. You can live in the moment. You can abandon your aspirations, and let all the stress go away.
It’s the most liberating, and most painful thing there is. Where nights like these come, and you remember the days where that stress you hated so much existed. You miss it. A lot. Because even though it was hard, it gave your life meaning. A purpose, something to drive for.
Then, there’s nights like last night where you don’t miss it. You drink it away. You don’t feel anything, aside those momentary, wonderful feelings of drunkness, or being high. That’s something else I’m going to try again in the near future. The only time I’d ever been high I hated it. I hated not feeling like I was in control of my own mind.
Now though, there’s nothing holding me back. There’s no future to concern myself over, or relationship or anything. Why fight for your beliefs when you know the future?
It’s an odd place to be, but nice too. I like nights like this, even though they hurt. I like to reflect on the good things, things I’m thankful for. The people who really made an impact on my life. They’re the best.
These pain meds are garbage. Well.meh. They did get rid of my stomach pains, but they didn’t make me sleepy.
